The Conspiracy Theory: GM Was Saturn, Penske is Jupiter

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“In mythology, grim Saturn castrated and overthrew his father, Uranus, but he also devoured his own children, for it was prophesied that one of them would destroy him. Indeed, he was eventually overthrown by his mighty son, Jupiter, heralding the beginning of civilisation.”

If ever there was a name to pick for your new car company, it was the one that castrated and overthrew his father, then ate its children. But I’ve surmised that GM didn’t set out to build the next great car brand or savior son in Saturn. They didn’t want to make a go of it, beat the foreign competition or make nice nice between dealers and customers. No, this was not there intent, GM actually was Saturn.

Let’s examine a few loose facts that I’m going to flail about:
• From 1976 to 1987, the Oldsmobile Cutlass was the number 1 selling car in North America
Camaro, top muscle car for years. IROC Z! Am I dating myself?
Firebird, Trans Am – do we need to look further than Kit and Hasselhoff?
• Buick – once the cream of the crop, now properly pronounced “Buick-icky icky, driven by seizure-world slow
pickies.” Tiger never had a chance.
• EV1

Did any of these sound like good brands? You betcha as Saturn, I mean GM, slathered them up with sauce and chowed down. How did they get away with it? They had already chopped the balls off the top brass so no one could make good decisions. For years, GM hid behind the well-mannered, fixed-priced, flower-on-the-seat service of Saturn while it slowly tore down anyone that might overthrow him.

But alas, in rides Jupiter Penske.

  1. jtw

    Interesting theory…well-reasoned, cogent analysis. I just can’t figure out why you posted a topless pic of yourself circa 1989 in the middle of the text…

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